Coming Back

I haven't been on this for some time. Guess it is time to come back with something, anything to catch up! Been having lots of snow where we live, and more today. It is the kind that you really can't see very well if you are out in it, whiteout! Well, that is if you are elderly and at last facing up to your mortality!

My history goes from feeling really great in the summer, riding my road bike, blood tests all within normal range to feeling like I am going to explode. From July= good, to November= bad, and wondering what could have changed things so rapidly. I had been on my third full time statin to try and help lower my cholesterol, more importantly my triglycerides which seems to be genetic in my family as being high, and I was also having severe muscle pains in my thighs, knees, and groin area, and beyond. Well, it felt severe to me. It caused me to go and try to find out what was going on in my left knee! After the physiotherapy, and MRI, nothing was wrong but bone on bone and nothing to fix. So I tried to think of what I could do other than surgery which I don't want to do. Then at Thanksgiving gathering, I bloated up, gained about 6 lbs, was very uncomfortable, didn't want to eat much and decided I needed attention. I also had a tender hamstring on the same leg as the knee problem, and after I had intensive massage, limped a bit, swore I was getting tired of all of this, I stopped the statin. I had suspected maybe the statins were doing a number on my muscles. I went to see the local GP, had a blood test, and sure enough the AST (muscle damage revealing test) was elevated as was BUN (kidney function). Felt apprehensive about this. And now after two months, a liver etc. ultrasound, and worrying about hepatitis event, am feeling a bit better, although AST and ALT are still elevated. Guess I just have to heal!

But at my ascending age, I think I don't need a lot of miracle medicine that is going to make me better [NO], but maybe just a little more attention to my diet and keeping up the exercise! I know the drug companies want to sell their new wonder drugs, but maybe I should just try to keep on keeping on with attention to joive de vie! I just may be feeling a lot better than I was about three months ago!

Christmas Imminent, Thanksgiving Past

It is approaching once again! The time of insane spending which is, afterall, what keeps our country alive! But I realized some time ago that I don't need a whole lot once I have what counts. I now like hearing from my family, what is happening with them, are they healthy?, are they OK? So I am now going to try and glean what I see, what I hear, what I feel to make me feel like I am approaching Christmas, the time I want to celebrate something that really gives me chills of wonder, and says, you have got it. It is a special time to just be alive, happy, and connected with those you love. There is another being in the family, a little girl, and another on the way. Ah, so special, little girls. They will give this family balance as there have been so many boys, and let us all feel the wonder.

Women could probably get the whole world out of the fix it is in if the men would just let them. So everyone, reach out and try to make a small change in our global mess. Touch an old person who might not have anyone to celebrate the season with, give a buck or two to the pan handler, smile at people you pass on the street, and give from your heart where it is needed. Mentally hug your family whever they are, say a prayer for the whole world, and try and feel the pulse of the universe connecting toyou!

CODs

I forgot to mention what CODs are. Confused Old Duffer s. But perhaps we have not really totally arrived at that position. And Space is something to be considered. Each one of us needs some space, private space, quiet space, alone space, loud messy space, cluttered space, but there to we can adjust. I try meditation but there are too many space interrupters in this Space, so I guess I do my meditating when I am pulling weeds. The garden is a meditative space. Rocks moved for a better setting are meditative. Pulling small leaves of grass can become meditative. So I guess I am saying space is meditative!

I just read about centenarians. They are our 100 and older people. The Study done revealed that nothing they do or don't do makes a difference. It may be genetic loving a long life. So you might as well just live the life you want because it will either be long or it won't. So each day could as well come and go and you do what you want with it, cause you just don't know.

Family and CODs

It is a day of pouring rain. It is coming down so hard that you can hear it on the roof. Granted, the roof is metal, new in the last 6 months, but there is a small attic space between us and the roof. Pounding rain, and I contemplate the change in the house hold. We have had a visiting daughter and her dog. It was pleasant and warm with all of us here. Two dogs skirted each other carefully, but really were OK with the arrangements. The cat hissed when close to the new dog, looking a bit like a lion in miniature. There was laughter, and intense silence as daughter did her research, grading, and teaching on line. And she did a lot of driving exploring the surrounding territory filling us in with what she found. When we moved the towels out of the bathroom she used, it rang with the silence. It echoed. Frogs spent time in that bathroom waiting for the trip back home. I heard them burble a few times.

I thought about how older humans seem to need to move from home and go somewhere they have read about, sunshine, sand, townhouses filled with their kind and age. But I really think that is probably a mistake. I bet they really end up feeling lost and alone, and like what do I do now. And then there are usually masses of people, parading around, pushing you aside in grocery stores because they have to pee, but need to pay for their purchase. And they end up walking but not seeing where they are.

If you stay where you are familiar with the terrain, the weather, the services, and perhaps some of the people you know that are still living in the area, than you continue with your life, and it may just seem longer! To have a daughter filling the spaces with laughter and helping you chatter about things, makes you realize what empty can be when she leaves. So heed the decisions that can be made about what you do as you age. Stay where you can welcome the family and know where you are walking or riding. And perhaps the daughter, or the son, or the other daughter will come and visit. Well, really, she knows where you live. And the cat will adjust once again! And all the other kids might come and visit as well! Being old is liking your space if it remains the one you remember.

I still hear the rain, but the cat came in and is napping.

My Attempt At College

For some reason my Mother thought it important to send me far away from home. I guess I should question that, but she had to convince my Dad that I would do just fine. I went to Colorado College in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Now that is enough Colorado's, isn't it! I had to take remedial courses in the summer before going away in Math. I passed my SATs with the help. I had no idea what I wanted to do but did take Geology because I really like rocks. But at the time my advisor told me that most likely I would like being outside, and they just didn't send females into the field back then. So I change to Art. I should have taken just basics and be happy with that. (I hear dogs howling in the background as I write!) (Not werewolves!)

I arrived at college and remember vaguely being introduced to the school through orientation. Then the beer bust that I went to out in the woods. How I got there I will never know, and I had really never done beer before. But I survived that, and then ended up dating a Beta guy who was very persistent. My Mom had to call the Dean of Women to check up on me and find out if I was actually going to school. I did make some really cool friends who I hung out with on Sunday's, two guys and a couple of girls, and we went to a deli a few blocks away for sandwiches, mine usually liverwurst with mayonnaise, lettuce and wheat bread. Loved it! We would go to the Shove Chapel to hear one of the guys practice on the organ. We would lie on the choir benches below the pipes and bliss out! This I was happy with and not really with the persistent Beta guy. to be continued!

Aging Continued

I could weep and become ever more depressed as I feel my body not being able to adjust to my old active lifestyle. But it is just adjustment. I can still ride my bike, walk a bit, ski some, go up and down stairs, and keep my mind active with books, cross word puzzles, laughter, and research.I test myself at times and try to remember what I had eaten, and I keep a journal. I remove weeds but I have to stoop to do that as a knee doesn't want me to kneel quite yet. i found a Towhee nest the other day at the base of my poppies. There was one last year. The fledglings are almost ready to fly by the time we get back, thank goodness, as the cat likes stalking little squeaky things.

To age is to make it to the top of the life hill and start descending down the other side. It is to be told when you go in for a physical check up, 'oh you don't have to do that test anymore'. I get it, it won't matter and we won't fix it! I still monitor all those things in my mind as I don't want to go out debilitated and in pain! So what would I do? Deal with it. Since we have lived where we live, at least three people have taken the life force into their own hands and ended it. One swam out into the Bay until she could no longer swim and then washed up on shore. Another rowed out into the Bay and disappeared. And another shot herself in her car near the same Bay. I think my Dad just starved himself. He wanted one of us to bring him a gun and we wouldn't. So he stopped eating. He wanted to go but his life force wasn't ready so he had to take his own measures. In those last months we connected. I heard a lot of things he wanted to remember. Even though I was a woman, he could talk to me. He had an old fashioned opinion that women should be in the home, and that was all they were good for, homemaking! But maybe he found out finally that that wasn't so! So could I take my life force and remove it? I don't know.

One wants to age with some sort of dignity. If my mind goes, I won't know if I am dignified or not, and won't care. Others will have to deal with me and that is a hard thought. But as long as I can get up in the AM, shower, and dress and feed myself I will be happy. All the other things will fall into place.

So it is the body failing to do its job that determines your aging pattern. Changes occur. But my dream is that my husband and I can live in our house, take care of each other, and when we can't it will end. No burden to our kids, just happy memories. Going to have to work on this scenario and make sure it happens. A dog is softly breathing behind my chair. I looked and she has a paw over her muzzle. Pretty cute. I am so easy!